The loosening nuptial knots
By: K S S Pillai
The institution of marriage has been in existence since the beginning of civilization, and girls are meant to be with their parents only till their wedding, my friends point out.
I am in grief after the wedding of my granddaughter has been finalized. It is difficult to believe that she will go to an unknown house to live the rest of her life. Being the only daughter, she had been treated royally by her father. I have seen him rushing to shops late at night to satisfy her demands. Now that she is about to go to another house, I am not sure of the response she will get to her demands.
Over time, the institution has changed. In the past, the girl had no say in her marriage. It was considered the bonding of two families rather than two persons. The elders of the two families used to decide the matter. It was only later that the boy and the girl met each other. The boy goes to the girl’s house with his close relatives.
As depicted in films, the well-dressed girl comes to the guests shyly with cups of tea and gets the first look at her future husband. Nowadays, a short meeting with each other, away from the relatives present, is arranged during the visit.
Although the dowry system has been legally banned in our country, marrying away daughters is a nightmare for financially weak families. To be on a better footing when the dowry is discussed, many send their daughters to schools and colleges to make them self-dependent. Even then, it is impossible to think of a wedding without spending lakhs of rupees by the girl’s parents.
In several parts of the country, jewellers keep ‘wedding collections’ of gold ornaments for girls. The upper body of the girl is expected to be covered with gold ornaments that are so different from the normal ones that they are rarely worn after the wedding. New agencies like ‘event managers’ have come up to arrange weddings. As a large section of society still believes in the compatibility of horoscopes of the boy and the girl, and the auspicious time for the wedding, there is a scarcity of halls during some periods.
In the past, when there were joint families, the girl had to please not only her husband but all others in his family. Though the initial period was usually smooth, the tug-of-war with the mother-in-law started after a few months.
The girl was expected to be an expert in cooking, pleasing the taste buds of all. She had to know the food habits and the items prohibited for those suffering from different diseases. The old films show the girl doing all the work usually done by a servant. In some cases, the servant is dismissed before the arrival of the bride, and her work is given to the new girl.
The tussle between the husband’s mother and wife has been the theme of several films in the past. The mother thinks that her son has been snatched away by another woman. The poor boy’s life becomes miserable as he has to please both.
The situation has given birth to several hilarious scenes in films. In one, a young man is asked, “If your wife and mother are drowning, and you can save only one of them, whom would you save?” He replies he would rescue his mother, as there will be many to save his beautiful wife. In another film, the boy asks, “Where is the remote control?” Pointing out to his wife, his mother says, “Your remote control is sitting beside you.”
With the crumbling of the joint family system and earning sons preferring to live separately after marriage, the role of newly-wed women has changed. Daughters-in-law do not think it is a part of their duties to look after the aged parents of their husbands.
The ever-increasing number of old age homes shows how the elders have become the victims of the development. Matters like divorces, single parents, and live-in relationships have made marriages not so sacred.
(The author is a retired professor of English. A regular contributor to ‘The Kashmir Vision’, his articles and short stories have appeared in several national and international publications)
