Oh! To be a woman
Asif Ahmad Bhat
Kashmir is not only known for its beauty but also for its hospitality. There are very few examples in the entire world in terms of hospitality,
among which Kashmir tops the list. Kashmiri’s are not only kind to those who make us feel good but also to those who made us to suffer.
The society of Kashmir on the one side is known for it is hospitality, kindness while on the other side it makes a section of society that too native of this very place to suffer that is a woman. Though there is a paradigm shift now. It is nowadays a woman who is leading the family and if not but still had a great say in the family matters to a great extent. It was not the case always. Before half a decade and even now in a good portion of families’ particularly joint families, it is the woman who is suffering or who has suffered immensely.
Since the day, she enters in the family of in-laws she is over burdened with the responsibilities of very pretty things. There is no denying the fact that in every individual’s life, there is an addition in the responsibilities when he or she enters any kind of relationship or with the addition in the age of the person. But the way, a woman is over burdened with the responsibilities, there is hardly any example.
A woman at the same time is a mother, a daughter, wife, and daughter-in-law. One may argue that a man is also a father, son, husband and brother. But the matter of fact is in our society, it is the women which is the target of not only her in-laws but of the society in general.
Exceptions are there. No denying it. She has to pack the Tiffin of her children, to live upto the expectations of her husband, and last but not the least to be an ideal daughter in-law. In most of the societies particularly in Kashmir, she is only and only an ideal women if she performs all these duties without saying a word. Even if she is tired, ill etc.
A woman gived her everything to achieve this goal that is an ideal daughter, wife, sister, mother, daughter-in-law. Even if it costs her self-respect, health, to listen to abuses from her husband or her in-laws and in many cases from her brother-in-law too or to be a victim of domestic violence, to hear the taunt of her illiteracy, or of her poor family background, and God forbid in case she has any kind of disability, then she was given the treatment of a second class citizen as she was not the creation of God. She has to bear it all with a welcoming heart. And in case she resist against this injustice, it was like resisting like ant before an elephant who has hardly any chances of survival. An innocent woman has no option but to bear, otherwise the society was on the doors to label her as immodest,manner less, stupid and what not!
Even her happiness depends on the mood of family members. For example— if her husband’s working day went well, then she will be treated as a human by her partner. In case his day at work didn’t went well, she was supposed to be ready like a punching bag, who has to bear the muscle power while remaining silent as the punching bag does. If she by mistake fails to prepare a well-cooked dish for dinner, she has to be ready to bear the taunts of her in-laws.
If by mistake while cleaning the house, a bulb breaks, she has no option but to face the taunts for not knowing the value of fifty rupees (₹50). If, during decluttering and setting her wardrobe in order, she misplaces a file of her husband for whom she wakes up at 5 a.m. to prepare breakfast or lunch she has to endure the nauseating brickbats she is subjected to by you-know-whom.
If while washing the clothes of her husband, she forgets to take out some pennies, she was to be ready to hear abuses. Irony is if their children committed anything untoward or wrong, she is being blamed for ruining the children when the reality was that they were their children, it was the collective responsibility of both the parents.
But in actual it is the women or mother to face or bear for the wrongs of their children. Astonishing is when their children topped exams or receive a trophy or a medal for any extracurricular activity, all the credit is being received by the proud father without sharing a bit or at least a compliment to the mother of these children. At that time the proud father says:
“After all whose children are they “. It was not the end of her sufferings. Apart from the sufferings faced by the women at the hands of her husband. She is supposed to bear the same from her in-laws. Apart from the already mentioned ones, she is being compared by her in-laws (who at the time of her marriage promise to her that we will treat you like our own daughter) with their own daughter who is enjoying all the luxury and perks in a nuclear family.
If by chance their daughter’s married life didn’t go well, this was also used to tease, derogate and malign their own daughter in-law without understanding that she too is a human, she too is the daughter of someone else. In case, the husband treats his wife well, he is being labeled as uxorious (zanan mohnov).
An ideal women has to remain silent, there is no scope for her to gossip even if it meant for joking. If her in-laws who were or are mostly home saw her while talking to others she is being blamed of back biting of her husband and in-laws which is really a case. No matter how much efforts she made to please her family members,it hardly matters, what matter is the temper of family members which decide her happiness,her future.
It is this women who keeps the family together by putting herself at trouble. She is often being said in a taunt sense that you belong to us through our son or brother by all together washing her hard work away. How cruel.She too has a heart. She can also claim that she is bound to obey her husband only and not her in-laws or any other family member. One more thing that made her to compromise is the attitude of her own family. Quoting common Kashmiri phrase,
“You were born here but your dead body must come out of your husband’s home” is a nuisance in itself that makes her to compromise to the extent that she loses her own self.
Concluding thoughts:
•A women is also a human being and must be treated so.
• Though a handful but an additional share must be given to her for all the hard work, efforts she made at her in-laws home while distributing the property.
• An appreciation must be given to her with a smiling face.
• She too has private life which she sacrifices, so proper care of her must be taken.
• She is the one who leaves her home to settle at her husband’s home. So instead of taunts an encouragement should be provided to her.
• She should be allowed to have a say in family matters that will make her feel that she too is worthy.
• Though now there is a shift of power from the hands of in-laws to the daughter in law. She too should take care of them as their own parents for maintaining the peace at home and at society level as well. While doing so, we do not need old age homes in Kashmir.
(The author is pursuing masters in history from University of Kashmir)
