Divorce: A decadence and acrimonious parting
Marriage is intended to be bound on love and spiritual attachment and divorce spoils the very spirit
Dr. Sheikh Arshid
Marriage may be seen as a contract, a status, or a combination of two opposite sexes. In matrimonial contract, if a spouse refuses or shows inability to perform the obligations stipulated in the contract it may constitute a ground for divorce of a spouse. Divorce, is the end of legal marital contract or it is the process of terminating a marriage mutually or forcibly.
Divorce usually entails the canceling or winding up the legal responsibilities of marriage, thus dissolving the bonds of matrimony between a married couple under the Islamic rule of law or law of the particular country or state. Divorce requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process, which may involve issues of distribution of property, child custody, alimony (spousal support), child visitation / access, parenting time, child support and division of debt.
A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide not to live together anymore and they no longer want to be married to each other. They agree to sign legal papers that make them each single again and allow them to marry other if they want so. Divorce is hard for everyone, it sounds simple but it is hard for everyone to end the marriage contract.
Often the parting couple spends long time to solve problems before deciding to go for divorce. But sometimes they can’t fix the problems and decide to go for divorce. Sometimes in divorce one parent wants to end the marriage but other doesn’t want to, but usually it brings disappointment for both the partners.
Sometimes it hurts the kid’s feelings when one parent leaves the house where they live especially when their mother leaves the house. Divorce happens between two parents but it affects the whole family even it remarks its effects on the community also. Many kids don’t want to see an end to their parents marriage because they have close attachment with parents but it happens when their parents are often fighting or involved in conflicts then their kids want divorce of the married couple and kids get relieved from stress and conflicts. Divorce declares that the marriage is treated as null and void with both the partners have to stop cohabiting.
Divorce activity varies from country to country, reflecting differing legal, cultural and religious traditions. In most jurisdictions, a divorce must be certified (or ordered by a Judge) by a court of law to come into effect. The terms of the divorce are usually determined by the courts, though they may take into account prenuptial agreements or post-nuptial agreements.
In some other parts of world when the spouses agree to divorce and to the terms of the divorce, it can be certified by a non-judiciary administrative entity. The effect of a divorce is that both parties are free to marry again if a filing in an appellate court does not overturn the decision.
In early times some countries that permitted divorce required proof by only one party that the other party had committed an act incompatible to the marriage and was the only way to terminate a marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require a solid proof from both parties. This evaluation of divorce may involve allegations or collisions from both sides proved these divorces can be very expensive and not usually practical as eventually most divorces are granted.
It is estimated that most of divorces are uncontested because the two parties are able to come to an agreement without any mediator or counsel or lawyer to make an end to their marriage and also about the property, children, and issues. When the parties can agree and present the court with a fair and equitable agreement, approval of the divorce is almost guaranteed.
If the two parties cannot come to an agreement, they may ask the court to decide how to split property and deal with the custody of their children. Though this may be necessary, the courts would prefer parties come to an agreement prior to entering court. Where the issues are not complex and the parties are cooperative, a settlement often can be directly negotiated between them.
If a divorce is carried out through the mediation then the mediator facilitates the discussion between the two parties by assisting with communication and providing information and suggestions to help them to resolve differences. At the end of the mediation process, the separating parties have typically developed a tailored divorce agreement that can be submitted to the court.
Effect of divorce on parent-child relationship
Divorce which is experienced by a couple can have a negative effect on the parent child relationship, the children loose parental attachment, suffer bitterly, have less parental care, these children have minimal life stability and support and at times when they reach adulthood stage they are involved in delinquencies.
Girls and boys deal with divorce differently. For instance, girls who initially show signs of adapting well, later suffer from anxiety in romantic relationships with men. Studies also showed that girls who were separated from their fathers at a younger age tended to be angrier toward the situation as they aged. Anger and sadness were also observed a common feeling in adolescents who had experienced parental divorce. Likewise same consequences are observed among boys after divorce.
Children lack financial support
Divorce can lead the children towards financial instability and can have bad consequences on their life. These children when they reach to adulthood stage they can be involved in child labour in order to support their life in future. Studies have also shown that divorce has direct effect on education of children, everyone has desire of education but lack of parental and financial support do not allow them to have taste of gift of education.
So these children remain educationally backward and have permanent effect on their life. In a review of family and school factors related to adolescents’ academic performance, it is noted that children from a divorced family are two times more likely to drop out of high school than children from a non-divorced family.
These children from divorced families may also be less likely to attend college, resulting in the discontinuation of their academic career. Many times academic problems are associated with those children from single-parent families. Studies have shown that this issue may be directly related to the economical influence of divorce. A divorce may result in the parent and children moving to an area with a higher poverty rate and a poor education system all due to the financial struggles of a single parent.
Behavioral change among children
After divorce the children have huge behavioral change as they don’t remain under proper surveillance of parents and they can be involved in different antisocial and subversive activities. These imply negative effects on these children, such as they do not feel a sense of emotional and guiding support.
Exposure to marital conflict and instability, most often has negative consequences for children. First, observing over conflict between parents is a direct stressor for children. Observational studies reveal that children react to inter-parental conflict with fear, anger, or the inhibition of normal behavior. Preschool children who tend to be egocentric may blame themselves for marital conflict, resulting in feelings of guilt and lowered self-esteem and thus show negative behavioral change among children.
Psychological disturbance among children
Divorce is associated with diminished psychological well-being in children and adult offspring’s of divorced parents, including greater unhappiness, less satisfaction with life, weaker sense of personal control, anxiety, depression, and less use of mental health services. A study says that the children living with just one parent after divorce suffer from more problems such as headaches, stomach aches, feelings of tension, sadness and other related health issues.
Developing quarrelsome atmosphere
Children involved in high-conflict divorce or custody cases can experience varying forms of parental alienation, which courts often consider to be a form of child abuse. Specific examples of parental alienation include brainwashing the child to cease their relationship with the other parent, telling the child that the other parent does not love them, teaching the child to call another adult by a parental name in effort to replace the other parent, limiting communication between the child and the other parent, and limiting quality time between the child and the other parent. If evidence reveals that a parent is actively alienating the child from their other parent, their case for custody can be severely damaged and an atmosphere of quarrelsome develops between two parents and even families of both are involved in scuffle.
How to avoid divorce
The idea of divorce comes from mind so think positively. Thinking about the divorce can put a major strain on the relationship and can cause a major break in your motivation to make the marriage better. To combat this risk to your marriage, decide ahead of time that divorce is not an option. Making this commitment will help you to focus on how you can make the marriage better and stronger, rather than thinking about what life might be like outside the marriage.
Always appreciate your partner
One should remind that he has married with a wonderful partner, always think about the qualities of your partner and even make a list of best qualities. This exercise will help you to think that you have married to appropriate woman. It also helps to vocalize how much you appreciate your partner’s quirks and eccentricities.
Bridge positive communication with the partner
Communicate with your partner openly about your life, interests, dreams, frustrations and feelings is an important way to foster intimacy in a relationship. Likewise, it’s crucial that you listen to your partner’s voice his or her thoughts, too. Sometimes it’s helpful to set fixed time each day without interruptions where you can talk without any distractions.
Share financial expectations
Many marriages are full of distraught with disagreements over finances. Often couples bring different expectations about money to a relationship and find it difficult to see the other person’s perspective. Coming to an agreement on how to handle money together is a critical component of successful marriages. Agree on a budget and an approach to debt and then live within your limits. For some, it’s important to differentiate between a need and a want. While both are legitimate, couples face problems if they try to fulfill all their wants without considering their budget. Likewise, it’s important to incorporate some flexibility in your budget to allow for entertainment, gifts, vacations, and other activities that help strengthen the marriage.
Respect each other’s ideas
One of the hardest things to balance in a marriage is the accepting each other’s ideas and more important accepting them as positive ideas. So, when your partner expresses ideas over any issue other partner needs to give them space without taking them in negative sense so that both the partners will live happily.
Help in each other’s casual affairs
It’s easy to indulge in each other’s routine and casual affairs and other minor activities to clear them on the spot without waiting for other partner so this way may rekindle romance and love in you then you will look more attractive and energized than ever.
Forgive and forget quickly with spirit
Often marriages begin to fall apart when one person holds a grudge. In fact, research has shown that feeling contempt toward your partner almost always festers and can lead to divorce if it’s never resolved. As a result, try to forgive your partner as quickly as possible and forget the past complaints and unacceptable situation because holding a grudge takes up mental and emotional space and almost always impacts your health and stress levels. Opt for a forgiving spirit and reap the positive benefits, which range from better sleep to stress relief.
Try to collaborate over decisions of your partner
Give your spouse room to be the person he or she is and learn to collaborate on partners decisions. In healthy marriages, both partners have mutual respect for one another and don’t demand their own way. They also give their spouse the freedom to come and go without having to ask permission. They don’t monitor or control one another. Be sure you’re collaborating with your partner on any big decision, from spending money to raising children.
Try to negotiate effectively
One of the biggest challenges you’ll face while going through a divorce is making sure you get what you want, need and deserve. In order to prevent divorce, it takes both partners to do the work and put in the time. And while the goal is to save the relationship, ultimately, you have to decide if staying together is the right choice for you. If you’re unsure what to do, talk to loved ones or a therapist who can help you better understand your situation.
Release emotions which can hurt
When we get emotionally hurt, our natural reaction is to get angry. In a divorce, these feelings are perfectly normal and may come from betrayal of trust, broken promises, rejection or fear of an uncertain future. And while anger has its place and can even be healthy, when it gets out of hand, it can cause considerable damage in divorce proceedings.
Using the legal process to retaliate against your spouse will invariably leave you and the family resources depleted and will hurt you and your children emotionally and financially. That’s why it’s critical to not let the toxic emotions of divorce cloud your judgment and the ability to make sound decisions necessary to safeguard your financial well-being.
Separate money from emotions
There’s an inherent danger in taking an emotionally charged topic like money and combining it with an emotionally charged process like divorce. If you’re not careful with how you go about reconciling the two, you can find yourself bankrupt financially and emotionally. By choosing to separate the money from the emotions, you can objectively examine the reasons behind those things you are seeking so you can focus your efforts on getting what’s truly most important to you.
Thus the marriage is intended to be bound on love and spiritual attachment between the spouses and important decisions concerning should be made by mutual consent and trying to negotiate all complaints and conflicts on spot without fuelling them more and more.
(The writer is a scholar and hails from Kuchmulla Tral)
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