Behind the scenes of married men
By Mohammad Safi
One side, he has his parents, his siblings and on the other side he has his newly wedded wife and the expected children, the balance required to clutch every one of them has to be precisely fair and needs a sense of egalitarianism.
Provocations can come from any side but the more you are able to control your anger and the more forgiving you are, the more you keep relations alive in their actual essence.
When he toils hard day and night to earn a living for her, she complains him of being negligent towards her. When he forgoes all his routine just to share some more time with her, she calls him an indolent.
When he slaps her, she calls her a ruthless tyrant and on the contrary when he gets slapped from her, people call him a coward. If he walks behind her, he is taunted as a devout or if she walks behind her, people mock him as a pharaoh.
If he remains outside home for long, she calls him a wanderer and if he remains at home all time he becomes slothful. If he is strict towards his children’s upbringing, he is called an oppressor and if he is somewhat lenient, she calls him a careless father. If he stops her wife from a job then he is a psychopath or if he doesn’t stop her, people call him an opportunist.
Yes, these are some glimpses of a blanket rule covering behind the scenes of married men however, there may be some exceptions. Marriage itself is a blessing and is formally a beginning of a new life. It is not only beginning of a state of being a single no more rather it is beginning of acknowledging that life is no more that much simple as one could have expected.
Broadly classified, two types of men exist. The former type of men after marriage afford to lose every other prior relationships just to maintain and preserve this only relationship and the new relations it develops and multiplies aftermath. They don’t have any past but present only and expectations for future. Though the expectations lived on the cost of shattering someone else’s expectations which were levied upon them long before, never come true.
Deserting the prior relationship may help them to escape from the troubles in short run and may help them feel joyous and content but it won’t live long. These people have a miserable and traumatic future in making as “what you sow, so shall you reap”.
A fringe group of people in this class do exactly the opposite, they sacrifice the new relation for prior relationships succumbing to pressure or stress which is equally condemnable and leading to disastrous consequences, however, intensity varies from person to person, place to place and time to time.
Leaving these people alone, let me show you a class of beautiful people whose faces may have fallen shy of the tribulations, who may have lost all of their charm, who no more make you feel like fascinating, but take a bow to these people are a reason that world is still somehow in order, these are an embellishment to our societies.
These people command respect for they are worthy of it. Loyal and sensitive by nature, they spend long nights thinking and devising strategies to handle all relationships effectively and try to keep them intact. One side, he has his parents, his siblings and on the other side he has his newly wedded wife and the expected children, the balance required to clutch every one of them has to be precisely fair and needs a sense of egalitarianism.
To keep this house of cards from falling, these people after coming home from a long tiring working day act as fire extinguishers running from one room to other spraying whatever they have to bring flames under control. They run short of everything which can harm any of their relations and they live by sacrificing their anger, ego, choices, tastes and preferences just to be with everyone.
Losing instincts for greater good is never an easy job, hard for them to search anyone who can understand what they are themselves going through emotionally. These people are steadily losing their own selves for others to flourish. These are the people who need emotional support; deserve applause, worthy to be venerated so that we never see a day when they may have gone instinct.
The mindset of society needs an urgent amendment in the sense that in a male-female conflict, it is more likely that society accepts male as an aggressor and female as a victim, it happens most of times and it is not true most of the times.
There are men whose life is in mess maintaining the relationship balance and yet a single small reaction or displeasure towards any incident lands them in aggressor’s zone given the fact that women are more likely to express themselves, men feel a social stigma while sharing what they have been through.
It is hard to figure out the exact number of men who are suffering from this abuse generally because of the traditional gender roles in the society and stigma of perceived weakness of any man who admits of being a victim of domestic violence.
We have observed a tremendous support for women rights, feminism, special status for women and what not but very little have been heard for men who have lost in the race of depression and domestic violence which is alarming.
Scientifically, it is expected that a man is least likely to have mental disorder and have higher levels of emotional and psychological well being than those who are single. Married men have lower levels of stress hormones less psychological distress but in reality we find the exactly opposite.
Why science seems failing here? This is a food for thought to our mothers, sisters and daughters because they are at center of the focus playing an instrumental role in kitchen politics which decides the future of a household. Our women must find the similarities and respect the differences of different household members which in turn will help ease the stress on men after marriage.
This article is never meant to be against the rights of women rather it stands for voiceless men who are untold and unacknowledged victims of our society we live in. To all those men who are struggling right now in the conflict of relations which they never want to fall apart, My salute and best wishes for you. Never give up, never succumb, victory for you is inevitable.
“I believe forgiveness is the best form of love in any relationship. It takes a strong person to say they’re sorry and an even stronger person to forgive.”(Yolanda Hadid)
(The writer is an entrepreneur. He can be reached at [email protected])